This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
