my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You need Xanax blowdarts
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
