Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
