Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
