I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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