No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
