I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
