Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
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I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
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The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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