who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
