i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
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