After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
