I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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