If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
