Just fell off a train. Bad.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
