Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
