Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I currently don't understand fingers.
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