mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
