onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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