I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
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No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
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