Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
