today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
