I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
