your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Randomize
