Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Randomize
