I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
