Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
