I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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