I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
