i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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