Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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