If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
