I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
These tits shall not be calmed
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
