yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
