I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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