Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
