There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
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