He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
