Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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