I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
