we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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