Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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