Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
