apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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