If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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