my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
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