Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Randomize
