And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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