Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
