Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
