her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
