I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
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I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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