I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
