Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
third nipple confirmed
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
