the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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