remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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