Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
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