So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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