**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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