A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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