lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
