Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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