I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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