FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
